Monday, February 23, 2009

The Stinkin' Dog!

I can barely breathe right now. This new dog, CAESAR, stinks!! He keeps farting! I am not exaggerating. The dog farts about every 15 seconds to 1 minute. I haven't timed him, but I will start right now, since he just farted again.

I can't breathe...again!

Last night during our movie hour, Jake kicked the farting dog off of the couch. I asked him to light a candle and he ignored me while he was giggling about the farts. Another couple of minutes, Caesar farted again. I noticed that he was sitting very close to one of my knitting projects and so I screamed at Jake in my very annoying, nagging, wife tone, "Get that farting dog away from the sock that I am knitting for you! I am stringing beads here, working for you, and you are laughing while the dog shoots farts on my, I mean our furniture!! Jake says, through his laughing, "Caesar get off the chair. It's time to kennel."

So he moves the dog into the kennel, which is in the front entryway, at least 10 feet away from us, and the room and hallway stinks!! I feel like I am living in a sewer treatment plant, and Jake keeps laughing, because the d o g k e e ee p s f a r t i n g. How much of this do I have to live with, seriously?

He is a great dog, that has been coveted by many. He is a French Bulldog, that much is true. He is entirely black, except for about 15 hairs on his nose that are white, and a white patch under his neck and on his tummy. He loves having his belly scratched and he is a lover not a fighter. He gives Brutus a run for his money, but the lazy old fat Brutus can use a nice workout especially in these winter months. Caesar is already loyal to me, and follows me around the house which is part of this stinkin' problem! I can't avoid the farts because he follows me everywhere. When I look at him, I see Pigpen from Peanuts. Pigpen is a cute little kid, but he doesn't seem to know or care that he must really reek!

We are making a good effort to switch to the cloth diapers for the babes, and I have been afraid of the smell that would ensue after we made the switch to a diaper pail. With my handy poop sprayer that Jake installed in the bathroom, there is no poop to be seen on the diapers, but I keep smelling these poop smells. I realize that it is not the the diaper pail, but it is the farting dog because, that's right I am living in a fart factory. Oh! There he goes again!! I am serious. Seriously.

So Husband, I know that you are going to read this at some point, and I am sorry that I am going to have to throw another old tomato at you...The dog stops farting, or the dog must go. The dog will have to go to anyone of the various coveting individuals who have dreamed their entire lives of having a French Bulldog as their very own. They haven't been able to afford the very high fees that surround a pure bred designer French Bulldog but they are waiting with open arms for this...there he goes again! Seriously! Thankfully we did not pay anything for this dog, because I would feel like we really got screwed with a defective dog. There is the possibility that the previous owner was not allergic to the dog, but rather allergic to the farts! I am also allergic to the farts.

Did I forget to mention that these are also audible farts?

When Brutus farts, he at least has the decency to get scared when he hears them, and he leaves the room because he knows that the stinks and he is embarrassed. Caesar seems to have no shame, and so I feel that he thinks he is the king and alpha dog and the rest of us are just required to love the pungent stench from his butt.

I realize that my blog is filled with disgusting things, like the true life aspects about life, but is it totally necessary to have a farting dog? If this was a person, I would say That is something you see a doctor about. You stop eating what you are eating and as my father would say, "Does somebody need to go to the bathroom?" Yes! Caesar needs to go and live outside with his farts...he did it again. Seriously.

1 comment:

Lisa Brandos said...

I am lying in bed laughing my butt off so hard (to the point where I cry). I can't believe Seth slept through my laughing. I mean, really, I'm wheezing here!