Thursday, February 26, 2009

I can't get out the door

I am constantly late to everything. I can't seem to get out of my house without an unraveling of my household right as I am preparing to leave. Today I needed to take Iain to Grandma Becky's house since he is infected with the bubonic plague and could not attend music class with Fiona and I. Thursday is a screwed up schedule day so not only do we all get thrown around with the meal schedule, the children can't seem to nap at the appropriate time since Jake leaves the house at a different hour and comes home for a "lunch" break at 4pm.

4:05 On the phone with my sister, Jake is calling on the other line, "I'm on my way home!" I put the atomic chili on the stove to heat up for dinner
4:13 Jake walks through the door. "Sarah, I have to go, Jake is home", Sarah, "Oh look out, your husband is home, you are gonna get in trouble for being on the phone!" GoodBYE! I am not in trouble by Jake, I am in trouble with the time, because I should have been doing my work out video before Jake got home for dinner, but now, I will not get my frou frou work out done because I have to get the food on the table and start getting ready to go to Becky's and then to music class, and I should have started the workout video about 2 hours ago but the kids won't take a nap...

Fiona keeps chatting, and each time I walk into their room, Iain is making a surface dive onto his bed because he can "Hear Mama coming" down the hallway. I have already become that scary noise down the hallway, and my little 2 year old already knows that he is supposed to be in bed, but since he isn't, and he can hear me, he has got to RUN and dive onto his bed. Is that part of the fun of it? So first time down the hall, some whining from Fiona, Iain diving back into bed. He knows what he should be doing...SLEEPING!

This time, I do not hear any running. Instead, as I get closer, I hear Fiona squealing with delight at something. She is "ooooing" and giggling. I kick the door open, to find Iain hanging on the side of her bed...stuck...he can't get down. He has thrown his two blankets into her bed, and was evidently trying to climb into her crib so that they could play together. I can hardly keep the smile coming up on my face as I see the love and companionship that both of them know so well. She must have been calling for him to come over and be her friend, because the look on Iain's face says, "I just want to hang out with my sister, but I got stuck." I retrieve him from his predicament, pull out the blankets and find a stack of books underneath of the blankets. Fiona's crib is filled with books and miscellaneous toys. She thinks it is a hoot, but I have to turn on my stern look and voice to tell Iain that he can not continue to throw books in on his sister while she is in her bed, even if she asks for books to be thrown in on her.

I tie down the hatch and attempt to get to some computer work. The dogs need to go out. OK let the dogs out. There are several more trips down to the nursery. One time Iain has his pulled the curtain off of the wall and is looking out at the rain and talking about Uncle Josh's car that is parked on the street. Back out to start unpacking the dishwasher, and I hear more shenanigans from the back of the house. When I open the door this time, he has pulled out all of the drawers in Fiona's dresser, and is standing in the bottom to reach the tip top drawer along the side that has all kinds of special mementos that people have given as gifts. Cutesy little things that little boys would ruin and that is why we have them in a "top drawer" that can't be reached. However, the little engineer has figured that he can get to taller things if he stands in the dresser drawers. When I discover him, he freezes because he can't get out by himself.

This really has to get under control because Husband is going to be home for dinner soon. Yes, it is 4:13 again, Jake is walking through the door. I dish up the chili that isn't hot enough. He pulls out a piece of cheese that won't melt, and I hear the babies again. I figure the nap is a lost cause and the babes should come out and see Jake and eat with us. I change a Fiona diaper as she is screaming bloody murder. The phone rings. I take a rather lengthy call about a little freelance job to inspect a movie theater on Saturday for some extra cash. Sure I can do that. I am getting all of the specs and trying to get some food made. The next thing I know, Jake is kissing me goodbye and it is time for us to load up. I should pound down my soup, since it was hot, but is now in the cooling down process. Why do I even bother heating anything up?

Time to get shoes and socks on Iain's feet. Fiona, come with me. Let's get your shoes on. Wait! You had to smear a blackberry on your lt pink pants? Great. Time to change your pants. What is that smell? OK another dirty Fiona diaper, and let's change it again! Ouchie, the very horrible diaper rash, I know sweetie. If you would just stop popping, I would stop wiping your raw ass, OK? I don't want to have to do this, but every time you crap, I wipe. Either get it all out at once, or we are going to keep doing this! Iain!!! What are you getting into? I can hear you out there. OH Fiona!! Stop screaming! and stop squirming or else you are going to get crap all over your...yep. OK I hope you are happy because now we are changing your shirt too. Go ahead keep screaming, it makes me feel great too!

**Phone rings** "Honey, I need you to look up a bead job in your log book from December." OK. "Well, there is an inventory discrepancy on a bead clasp, and it was for Valley West, and it was a magnetic clasp..." Honey, are you serious. This is a really bad time. "Well, I know it was right around Christmas." OK. Searching through the bead log....

Iain, what have you been doing? Come on, the cooler is not a step ladder, but OK. And the sink is not a place for you to play in at this moment. We are running late already! I started 30 minutes before we had to leave. Come on get your sweater on, we are going to Nani's! Sweater, where's your hat? Hat. Check. OK Let the dogs out. Come on boys! Let's go potty! I am going to load you in the car Fiona while the doggies peepee. Iain! Stay out of the sink! Why do you keep dragging this cooler! Stop! Fiona you are loaded. Run back in the house, let the dogs in. Iain is ringing the doorbell so the dogs are going nuts. Barking. Caesar, time to kennel! Oh thank you! You are such a good dog! Brutus get back in the house! Why is the new dog, the only thing obeying?!! Oh crap! I need to put all of the food away! Put away ham, cheese, throw the bread in the bag. Put the milk away....

Grab my bag, my phone. Shut off the lights. Load up Iain. Brutus! What are you doing in the garage! Get in the house! You bad dog! Come on Iain, let's hurry! We are going to be late! Crap! Did I grab something to put over my horrible hair? Keys. Got it.

No! We are listening to Mommy's music!

Looking back, I guess I did do OK since in one hour I:
  • Fed four people
  • Changed 2 crappy Fiona diapers and 1 Iain diaper
  • Changed Fiona's clothes
  • Dressed Iain with shoes and socks, sweater and hat
  • Took a phone call for a freelance job
  • Helped with an inventory discrepancy
  • Let out the dogs
  • Locked up one dog
  • Put away all of the food
  • Loaded two kids in car seats
If I ever sense my sister or one of my sister-in-laws thinking that I have the easy life out of all of us, with loads of time on my hands, not knowing what to do with myself, eating bon bons, knitting, watching movies all day long, preparing intricate meals, and wondering why I am so fat...gosh she has all of that time during the day to be working out...I just might bitch slap any one of them. I love you guys! But seriously, today I wanted your 8-5 with customers screaming at me, getting up to take a shower by myself making myself look beautiful in a nice black sweater that doesn't have a bird poop barf stain on the shoulder or a wad of Rice Krispy bar stuck to my ass. Today I wanted a fun stylish Coach bag (you know who you are sisters) that only carries things for me instead of two sizes of diapers, a bag of wipes, snacks, cars, rattles, bibs in a huge bag that I carry in one trip out the door.

Someday, I hope to be that stylish Mommy with the organized bag carrying everyone's things (but no diapers please!). I will have brushed on a coat of mascara, maybe a swipe of lip gloss. With a rainy day like today, I will just tie my cute belt around my very trendy trench coat, and everyone will put on their own shoes and coats. We will all arrive 5 minutes early and have time to visit with the music instructor. I will have fresh jeans and a cute black sweater free of grime that matches my adorable and also stylish flats adorned with...oh...maybe a shiny buckle or something. I promise not to judge the Mommy that comes in late, with sneakers, athletic pants, months worth of leg hair, baggy sweatshirt and her hair covered in a bandanna. I will know the kind of day she must have had.

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